Team Charm Goes Totally Meta
by NaturallyDark
Summary: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games are just the best things in the world, and Team Charm wants to make sure that the developers don't mess the next one up. Unfortunately, they're also determined to insult as many people as possible in the process. An open letter to Chunsoft.


**I'm sorry, ThePokemonMage. Then again, that I wrote this is kind of your fault.**

* * *

"Hey, Gardevoir! Take a look at this crap!"

Team Charm was sitting at one of the tables at Spinda's Café, enjoying some time time off from ruining – I mean, saving – the lives of the townspeople. It had been Lopunny's idea to stop in, which initially surprised her two teammates, Gardevoir and Medicham, since she never actually ordered anything at Spinda's Café. Then they remembered that there was free WiFi and it all made sense to them.

"What is it?" Gardevoir asked, leaning over to look at the screen of Lopunny's laptop. "Did you find another fanfiction in which we fart a lot?"

Lopunny asked, "You're smart, right? 'Course you aren't, but you can tell if someone's dumb, right?"

Gardevoir glowered at her. "I've developed a knack for picking out idiots, yes."

"Is this person – " Lopunny jabbed a finger at the screen. " – a total knucklehead?!"

Sighing, Gardevoir peered at the webpage Lopunny was on. She was on the page of a user on FanFiction.

"Uh, no, doesn't look like it. Why?"

"Because THIS!" Lopunny yelled, earning her a nasty glare from Spinda, and hurriedly clicked on a link on the page. It lead to a fanfiction in which certain Pokémon Mystery Dungeon characters talked about their expectations and hopes for Gates to Infinity. Reluctantly, Gardevoir skimmed the story.

"Lopunny," she said kindly, "you're freaking out over nothing again. Medicham, did you bring her medication?"

"I'm going to pretend I'm not in this fanfiction," Medicham replied, bringing the newspaper she was reading up to cover her face.

"No, look!" insisted Lopunny, pointing wildly. "Look at how high their hopes were! They actually thought it was going to be a good game!"

"A lot of people did – "

"Oh, the cruddy plot!" Lopunny wailed on. Hydreigon, who was chatting with nondescript player and partner characters across the room, glanced over, then hung his head and wept silently.

"And the lousy Spinda's Café knockoff!"

Swanna, who had been drawing prize tickets with Wobbufet and Wynaut, began to strike a sassy pose to scold them but a ludicolo burst from the wall and ran her over before she could even open her beak.

"And the cruddy excuses for romance and ship fodder! Emolga and Dusparce and Virizion? What were the creators thinking?!"

"You are a retard!" Emolga hollered at her from the doorway as he stormed out in a huff. Dunsparce, who had been weakly attempting to chat up Virizion, burst into tears and also ran away. Virizion, left with nothing to do, sat quietly, contemplating how best to murder Lopunny.

"You're being rather harsh!" Gardevoir exclaimed, crossing her arms. "It may not have been an excellent game, but it wasn't that bad!"

At this point, Lopunny was spasming on the floor, crying and flailing about. "It was horrible! So bad! And that fanfiction is the lamest thing ever!" Suddenly, as if driven by a powerful impulse, she hopped to her feet and stood with her hands on her hips. "I have a brilliant idea!"

Medicham folded up the newspaper and tried to slink away, but Lopunny pounced on her in an instant and had her pinned down.

"You're not going anywhere!" Lopunny yelled manically. "You're going to help me with my brilliant and flawless idea!"

"Virizion..." Medicham weakly turned her head to look at the grass type. "Help me..."

To her horror, Virizion stood up and announced, "I shall help you, too!"

"Not like that!" wailed Medicham, but what was done was done. Lopunny brohoofed Virizion, grinning widely, then dragged both over to the laptop. Gardevoir, both curious and terrified, stood behind the three as Lopunny began typing into a Word-like application.

"The Game Freaks are going to make a new Mystery Dungeon game some day soon – "

"Actually, that's Chunsoft – " Gardevoir tried to correct.

"Shut it, dum-dum! I knew that! Okay, so they'll make the new game..." Lopunny tapped her chin with a finger. "What do we want in it...?"

"Please...let me go..." Medicham whimpered from where she was still trapped under Lopunny's arm. Her plea went blissfully unanswered.

"2D graphics," Gardevoir suggested. "The 3D models freak me out. Plus, they're stolen from that 3D PokéDex app. Oh, and way more pokémon in-game and for starter choices!"

Lopunny typed all that down furiously, then added, "And make lopunny a starter choice!" At the expectant looks from her three friends, she added, "And buneary, too. What else?"

"The soundtrack from GtI wasn't bad," Virizion said, "but there weren't enough distinct tracks. Some dungeons just stole the melody from others. Besides that, though, the different kinds of dungeons with puzzles were pretty nifty."

"I know what it needs," Spinda called out as he leered at them. "Patrons who won't make a ruckus and who will actually pay for their drinks!" He paused. "And a bartender as sexy as me."

"It also needs lots of plot twists!" Diglett suddenly popped up from the floor, looking excited. "And cool features that we never would have even dreamed of!"

"Stop tearing up my floor, you little rat!" Spinda yelled at him.

"Got it, got it!" Lopunny kept typing away cheerfully. "Medicham, any suggestions?"

"Can't...breathe..."

"More minigames? Brilliant idea! But none of that paradise crap from GtI, got it?"

"We need all the dungeon mechanics from the first two generations," Gardevoir said, "like hunger, IQ, and taking on multiple job requests at once, and, for that matter, Wonder Mail."

Lopunny nodded, then leaned back from the computer. "I think we've just about got it all. Man, isn't this so much better than that OTHER person's fanfiction?"

"It doesn't stop being rude if you say it many times over," Gardevoir informed her.

"Whatever, man. 'This is an open letter from Team Charm – '"

"And Virizion!"

"' – and Virizion, to the developers of the next Pokémon Mystery Dungeon game. Don't you DARE mess this one up!' Perfect! Now we can just submit it and – "

Then, all four halted in their actions. There WAS one more thing they had forgotten. The four looked at each other, then cried out, as a single, unified voice...

"AND NO MORE DLC!"


End file.
